Starting out fresh

I started this blog with the full intent of unleashing my wrath on one particular person. Yep. I actually wanted to start a hate blog. I do however, have a 3 day rule. The rule is...when I get mad at a person, before saying or doing anything, I just stew on it for three days, then re-collect my thoughts and THEN do what I was initially wanting to do, if I still want to do it. I no longer want to express hate against this person. Albeit, I don't like him, won't trust him anymore for anything, and do hope karma takes care of it for me.

What the whole event did though was make me think about on-line relationships. Well, first, it made me switch back to the on-line nick I used, which is Louve. I used nicks other than Louve too, but Louve stuck and suited me for the last couple of years. I used to be Dawna, because this said person, who was supposed to be the crux of my wrath, wanted me to be Dawna. And since I am basically submissive and willing (not slave, just sub and willing, at times, I obliged). But I was also provoked to think about other things related....

Like...who signs online and why do they seek out interaction with others? Granted, some use the internet like a dating arena. They set out on quests to find mr/mrs right...or master/slave right...or whatever the lifestyle may be. Which brings me to another sideline thought. There are more than not that feel their lifestyle should be honored, understood, and respected, by all. I say bunk to that...and the respect you give to anyone is the respect you'll get in return. End of story. But thats a topic for a whole other time.

Cutting to the point.....

Now, its pretty obvious why some people sign on. Some use the internet as a connection to broadening their social life. I can understand that. They are not of the conventional minded people and finding like-minded people can be just....impossible, under normal every day circumstance. So the internet brings those people together. I do understand that. There are certain things I do not understand though, and sometimes (although, I don't put a whole lot of struggle into it) I do struggle to understand the rest of the intentions.

Like...why do people claim to be what they are when they aren't? As I type out the question, I almost want to erase it, cuz the answer came to me as I was typing it out. People who come online NOT looking for rl encounters, or NOT being who they said they are (unless they upfront say they are roleplaying) sign on for a various number of reasons. Some are just wanting to find the simple connection of like-minded people, talking, sharing experiences, laughing and just forming a bond. Some sign on to fantasize...either wanting or wishing you were something you weren't. Sign on and pretend/or act/or just say you are that person, can at least let you explore venues you have no business being in...or arent fully prepared to be in...or just plain havent thought out the consequence of being there! It can be a rather harmless thing, on initial thought. But, if in that fantasy walk, you interact with people, putting your word and their belief in you in one way, when you actually do not mean what you are saying...or better yet, more to the point, lying about it, then you become what *I* call, a gamer. There are alot of them online too...mixed in right along with the people seeking rl through the internet.

So...what does this mean? Well, to me, the first thing that comes to mind is Kaylen's "Walk softly and carry a big Whacky stick". In other words (to me), it means take cautiously the acquaintences you meet online. Just as quickly as a person seeking an offline relationship online can fall into a false sense of thinking who that person really was, it can happen to an online only person, too. Albeit, maybe not on the same magnitude, but deceit is rampant on irc. Its why I call it a cesspool. I have met only a few people (I can literally count them on one hand!!) that I trust enough to speak frankly, honestly and REAL with...and take their word as truth.

So...what does it result in for me? Spending way less time online trying to make connections with people than I used to. Hell, I have enough rl enemies and drama in my life, to set out seeking more online! I enjoy reading blogs, forums, and interacting with people on that kind of level. But to get too much deeper involved with them...well, through my experience...just isn't a wise thing to do. I know I probably lack and lose much in the way of meeting some good, honest, 'have a good time learning from them' people that way, but I lose that at the cost of no aggravation, disappointment, or a feeling of hatred, later on. On that issue, I have to weigh the lesser of the evils, and for me, its not signing on as much, and not looking to get close to people I don't know. Or double up on my xanax and I depend too much on that, already lol. And besides, as long as nyx remains my friend (and I do hope she does), I have all I can handle in 'As The World Turns on IRC'.

So, what was the purpose of this post? LOL. Probably just to purge the rest of the hate I had stored in me for the person I wanted to start a hate blog over. Writing my feelings out, for me, is a way of healing/solving my problems. So...who only knows when another post will come along. :)